How to love and hate all at once

A close friend recently announced he’d had an epiphany. It happened after a religious man told him that he should love his enemies. Jason was baffled. He thought it through and weighed the implications of this unsolicited advice. According to that religious fellow, love for your enemy was the supreme virtue. He suggested it was most honorable to forgive, forget, and to feel for your foe as much as you feel for your loved ones.

Of course, Jason had heard this countless times before. So had I. When we next met up, we discussed this odd staple of religious thought. We carefully pieced it apart and reassembled it to get a better look at all its gizmos and how they fit together. We were concerned with why so many people were convinced of the efficacy of this famous but peculiar notion. Love your enemy? Unbelievable.

Most would have to admit it’s a hard position to defend. So why do so many enlightened people aspire to it, as difficult as it is to do?

Jason told me, “Half the people who say it don’t really believe it. But just saying it makes you look like you have more self-control than everybody else. It’s just egoism. All men have that issue. Fine. But I have a question. What if your enemy is your brother’s enemy as well? If you love your enemy, should you also love your brother’s enemy? And what if your enemy is an enemy to your whole family? Should you still love them?”

“I can’t love my own enemy anyway,” I replied. “It would take somebody wiser than me to do that. But I definitely can’t have any good feelings for somebody who’s extended his hatred of me to hatred for my brother or my family.”

“Exactly! You would be exposing them to danger. All because of your indifference. But we’re not talking about simple indifference. We’re talking about people wanting you to actively love your enemy as much as you love your own people. That’s bananas.”

“I know.”

I won’t cover in detail how Jason vented his frustration with sanctimonious characters. But I’ll get to his epiphany. Ultimately, he said, “But you know what? I gave it some extra thought. I understand that throughout life’s travels we’ll encounter all kinds of people. Some of them are good for you. Some of them are bad for you. You can best avoid trouble by avoiding the bad ones. But you can still wish even those people well. From a distance. Any closer and they’ll be conflict. It’s a fact of life that not everybody you meet is going to like you. But that’s counterbalanced by the fact that we’re not going to like everybody we meet. I believe that’s how we make enemies in the first place.”

“True.”

“So, you know what?” he said. “When you realize your own shortcomings play a role in antagonistic relationships, you should consider the same weaknesses in your enemies is what has put them at odds with you. Thinking of it that way, you might be able to come around to forgiving an enemy. Or even having some empathy for them. It’s not a big stretch to go from that frame of mind to actually having some kind of love for them. If you try hard. And if you’re sagacious already. And have above average emotional intelligence. So, I can see the virtue in loving your enemy up to a limit.”

All I could say was, “interesting.” And Jason went on.

He said, “but if we’re going to point out the significance of an enemy being a fellow human being with all the bells and whistles, we also need to be cognizant of other equally valid facts. For example, he or she is in fact your enemy. Or a loved one’s enemy which makes them your enemy with all the bells and whistles. It would be disastrous to ignore their actions. Especially when they directly contribute to your inner circle’s misfortunes. And it’s equally neglectful to underestimate what they might be capable of.”

I agreed wholeheartedly. “You’re absolutely right. After all, you can’t just pray them away or wish them away. Life isn’t a fairytale . . .”

“Exactly. So, you can love your enemy if you desire. But you can still work toward making sure they’re not successful even while you’re totally empathizing with them or totally understanding them. People misinterpret ‘love your enemy.’ They think that love only works in one direction. That love for your enemy implies not taking any measures against them. Those are actually two different propositions. In reality, loving somebody usually entails disciplining them in one way or another at some point.”

I added, “Yep. It’s like a father’s love for his son. It’s unconditional for the most part. But if certain boundaries are crossed it’s not unusual to understand why that father might kick his son out of the house and never let him back in.”

“Exactly. And that response actually comes from the most practical kind of love. Just the same, a woman can love her husband madly. But if he’s abusive, she may have to call the cops on him, have him arrested or physically defend herself. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. It simply means his actions demand countermeasures on your end. And again, it wouldn’t be a stretch to go from defending yourself against someone you love to actually hating someone even though you really love them. It is possible to love and hate somebody at the same time. Obviously, these kinds of emotions and actions should extend to include your enemies.”

“I agree.”

“Imagine if that husband and wife share a child. What’s in the best interest of their child appeals to both parents. So, they coordinate to ensure the child does well. Let’s go further. Consider the foreign policy of two competing countries: another example of loving and hating each other at the same time. They’ll pleasantly collaborate one second and compete fiercely the next. All the while they’re working to ensure the best possible future for their own country. So, they’re entangled in a love/hate affair while pursuing their private goals and objectives. Their love and disdain seem to argue against one another but they’re actually complimentary. And it’s entirely necessary that their affair carries on in that fashion.”

“So, it’s possible to love an enemy only if you’re aware of their capabilities as well as your own and act on that knowledge. And don’t get me twisted. I’m not arguing for war. An enemy can easily be overcome without any violence and with a little creativity. In one sense, they’re worthy of your love precisely because of the challenge they present. Every challenge is an opportunity. Be grateful for them. It’s an opportunity to become a better person or a better state and therefore better prepared for the challenges of the future.”

“Makes sense to me.”

“When you're strong and well thought of like a strong country or a wise man, you’re empowered to both love and minimize any antagonist. But again, that’s only realistic from a position of power. Most people are incapable of loving an enemy because one way or another most people are not empowered. They can’t summon the necessary political sentiments because they have no experience with them. So, only strong people can give such advice. And only the mentally empowered can act on it. So, it is a worthy aspiration if for no other reason than to gain an advantage over others, particularly your enemies. I think, by telling me to love my enemy, that religious dude was really just trying to hint at the necessity of empowering and preparing myself against all challenges. And those challenges don’t always have to take human form. I’m happy I have enough sense to recognize that now.”

“So, your whole epiphany was about how perceptive you are?”

“Yeah, basically . . .”

“Unbelievable.”

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or having a lot of trouble thinking through things, you can call the Mental Health Hotline at 866-903-3787. Or call 988.