Fix Your Face

The cashier gazed at me like a worm just fell out of my ear. To save face, I grinned at him like he was a buffoon, some forgotten derivative of the baboon. So what I was hanging around his register waiting for my change of one cent? It was my penny goddammit. Hand it over. For all he knew, I could have been a famous coin collector.

When he saw I wasn’t budging, his expression asked, “Just how poor are you sir?” So, I had to give him a certain look. Just to let him know I wouldn’t hesitate to wait for him outside and throw a potato at him. So, he kind of shook his head, gave me my penny, frowned and sighed “next,” as if to suggest his job was taking years off of his life.

Due to that brief exchange, I’ve become concerned with decoding people’s faces. It’s not mind reading. It’s face reading. I think if the average person knew what to expect based on reasonable facial skills, we’d have more fun. Less guessing, less stressing, etc. My motivation for reading faces is the hope that I’ll bring more of that fun into my routine, eliminating typical misunderstandings along the way. So, you see, I have good intentions.

Researchers in orthodox psychology suggest there are six facial expressions familiar to everyone on earth. They’re also common to those aboard the international space station where I can imagine working in such close quarters for so long can produce some funny-looking variations. Anyway, the usual six are anger, disgust, fear, sadness, surprise, and happiness.

These are considered primary emotions. Among criteria used to identify them, researchers say these feelings must “(1) be evident in all cultures, (2) contribute to survival, and (3) be associated with a distinct facial expression,” (Understanding Psychology, 7th Edition, /Morris and Maisto).

Humans are no longer in the man pitted against beast stage of development. Most of us have moved on with our lives. We harbor no lingering resentment toward beasts. Though they have caused us much grief and often torn us limb from limb. But let’s not focus on the past. We’re over them. We have our whole lives ahead of us.

Nevertheless, it’s still a matter of survival of the fittest. Our motivations, instincts, and the animated expressions that go along with them remain the same even though they’re ancient. They are only more subtle than ever, taking shape in a psychological zone too deeply submerged to receive enough light for exposure. Including myself, most men are well-meaning bozos with respect to appreciating such feelings. But because they raise infants and are therefore wiser with nonverbal cues, women are much better at understanding facial expressions and the importance of the emotions behind them.

So, I returned to the same supermarket a week later fully aware of my inadequate supply of depth. I took my time getting around. I hoped to read faces well enough to get a laugh out of the complexity of ill-will festering just below the surface of every stranger’s smile and smirk. I ended up on a line at the deli hoping for the last of the crabmeat salad. There I found myself pitted against a beautiful woman who countered my every impulse with the rousing spice of intuition and a passive hatred of men in general. It was on.

First, she came up from behind me and asked in an innocent but sultry voice, “Are you on line?” I turned around to answer and saw that she was a tall, gorgeous, light complexioned woman with a quizzical look on her face. She just couldn’t help herself. All at once she seemed to be trying to determine if I was going to kindly get my dumb ass out of her way, and if I was too dumb to take advantage of a romantic opportunity. She seemed a little annoyed with me and a little interested in me at the same time. At least that’s as far as I was able to determine.

I said, “Yeah, I’m on line.” Then I faced forward. I didn’t want to be pieced apart by this woman’s dreamy but calculative caramel eyes. I wore a mask to make it seem like I couldn’t care less. It was an angry face of sorts (which seemed to tickle her), but it was necessary for my survival in this situation. Absentmindedly, and mad for no real reason, I stared at the deli display to buy time. Right behind me, I could feel the woman thinking and breathing.

Seconds later, I turned and looked at her once more as an afterthought. And she seemed to appreciate my renewed faith in myself. But it was too little too late. She was over me. She displayed a lame smile for me as she thoughtfully gazed pass me and at the deli’s offerings. I seemed to have missed my flight. But man being man, providence hurriedly involved me in a faceoff of sorts, and not being suited for multitasking, I lost focus on the predator behind me.

What happened was, the dude at the deli was some new dude I’d never seen before. He wasn’t able to tell me whether the crabmeat was real or imitation. I said, “you’re not sure?” And I gave him a look to let him know I’d been to this counter a hundred times before without ever having a problem and had no problem whatsoever calling over the manager which would certainly make him look like he didn’t know what he was doing. How would he love that? The distinct expression on the dude’s face was clearly one of fear, recognizable in all cultures.

So, he quickly offered, “I think it’s imitation.” But I really didn’t care either way. I just wanted to know. The answer wasn’t going to deter me from buying a half pound of it. So, I ordered. And remembering there was someone on the line behind me, I turned and gave the gorgeous woman a friendly face. Then some other lady staggered over and looked like she was ready to stand in the line. So, I said, “I’m almost done,” and motioning toward the gorgeous woman behind me said, “she’s next.” That drew a smile from the predator. It even seemed like she was willing to reconsider my potential as a mate.

But man will be man. Now that I had the gorgeous woman in my jaws, I had to chew her up and swallow. So, I gave her a fake smile and said, “have a good day,” as I walked off with my order, leaving her to consider that maybe next time she should be less intimidating. But she seemed to recover quickly from what she’d read in my face. So, she stepped to the counter and started giving the new deli dude a hard time. Somebody had to pay.

The funny thing about that whole encounter was that like everything in everyone’s experiences, much of it was all in my head. It’s a very real possibility that I could have perceived, imagined, and experienced it all from of a neurotic and narcissistic center of gravity. For that reason, trying to determine the thoughts and feelings behind every face, is likely not the healthiest pursuit. Women being more in tune with these undulating currents are also more likely to blame themselves for the failures of others and to become sad, disappointed or depressed.

Yet aren’t women bewitching to no end? Their gaze is affixed to something profound, and they continue to be supportive. They seem to see something in people that keeps them optimistic in general. Most often it’s something we don’t see or even know about ourselves. It’s a wonderful gesture to have such people smiling your way.

Bear in mind everybody has daily conflicts, pressures, and frustrations eating away at their natural beauty like termites burrow through wood. So, if by nightfall we notice characters with friendly expressions still on their faces, it’s likely they’re people worthy of returning the gesture to. So, get in line and appreciate the moods of people coming and going in life.

Speaking of getting in line. I found myself purchasing my nonbinary crabmeat at the same register where the dude didn’t want to give me my penny a week earlier. But for my own mental health reasons, I resolved to smile at him kindly and just get the purchase over with as painlessly as possible. But no.

The dude wore a mask of anxiety peppered with some disgust. He let me know he definitely remembered me taking years off of his life. His expression seemed to say, “I know you’re poor and incapable of leaving without your insignificant change. I expect an outburst from you at any moment. Go ahead. Embarrass us both.”

I was immediately offended. And I think, justifiably so. And wouldn’t you know, the crabmeat totaled $4.99. So, I handed him a five-dollar bill . . .

Though my eyes burned into him like lasers he declined to look at me. He gave me my penny, maintained his composure and grumbled, “have a nice day.” So I said, “you too.”

The cute girl at the next register seemed to pick up on the tension. She grinned at me as I passed by on my way to the exit. I returned a knowing smile. I’d seen this girl before too. Usually, she worked the same shift as her challenged colleague. So, the next time I went back to the supermarket I checked out at her register, smiled, chatted, and exchanged numbers with the fox. Summer.

Now that we’re friends, I enjoy making her laugh. And being half mind and half mud, I rarely miss an opportunity to sully myself by making fun of her coworker. Summer simply smiles upon me and cautions me to be more thoughtful and considerate. And I think I’m learning. So, I’ll end by humbly sharing something I’ve realized about social grace or the lack thereof. It’s an easy posture to assume and as effective as sleight of hand. Ready? Here it is. You can fix a smile on your face more consistently by fixing your efforts on what brings joy and a smile to others.

If the furthest thing from your mind is joy, you can always release your frustration and anxiety by talking to someone at the Mental Health Hotline by calling 866-903-3787. Or call 988.